Eggcellent Mom Chronicles

This past year has brought more grief than I ever imagined. What began with quiet excitement quickly turned into unanswered questions, failed attempts, and invisible loss. I’ve been the teacher smiling in the hallway after another failed transfer, the patient asking for bloodwork while wondering if it mattered, the friend too drained to reply. Grief has followed me everywhere.

But even in all that, I’ve never stopped hoping. Or maybe, hope has never stopped tapping me on the shoulder. 

Today, I got the green light to begin another round of IVF. This time, things feel different. My doctor is switching up my medication protocol in hopes to avoid another 18 day stim cycle and brought new clarity about my diagnosis. After reviewing my surgery report, she said something that gave me pause: If the surgeon removed what looked like endometriosis, then it’s endometriosis. Period. Even if it was considered “inactive,” it was likely disrupting implantation all along.

She’s seen this before, just once. One other case. Leave it to me to be the rare statistic. But somehow, being seen in this way, even in the weird corner of reproductive medicine, felt validating. Like I wasn’t crazy. Like maybe there really was a reason this hasn’t worked yet.

Here’s the best part: Instead of delaying a frozen embryo transfer in a few months, we’re going for a fresh transfer just three days after my egg retrieval. My body will already be primed for pregnancy from the surgery and retrieval. And in a rare twist of IVF fate, this means I won’t have to go through weeks of those long, dreaded PIO shots. A small win, but I’ll take it.

So here I am, stuck in the middle. Between the rawness of the past and the possibility of what’s ahead. Still grieving, still carrying the weight of everything I’ve lost. But also leaning, maybe even reaching toward hope. 

This is the time to grow my hope. Not blindly, not out of denial, but with intention. With awareness. With every bit of strength I’ve got left. 

Thank you for being here with me in the middle.