Eggcellent Mom Chronicles

I’ve decided to make a significant change in my life, and in an act of vulnerability, but also seeking community, this Mother’s Day weekend feels like the perfect time to share:

I am going to choose to be a mom (bawls tears of excitement!)!!  

All those seeking to be a mom are on my mind, and I am thrilled to share this is a journey I am now beginning myself!  The piece written below is a collection of my thoughts and feelings while on this emotional journey from heartbreak to hope.

For some context, in April, after scheduled blood work, I received a shockingly devastating (mis) diagnosis of premature ovarian failure. I was heartbroken and devastated. I felt my world caving in on itself. I ceased to use social media and was just focusing on making it through one minute at a time

Those two weeks of my (mis)diagnosis of premature ovarian failure left me feeling an intense feeling of loneliness and heartbreak, and simultaneously so loved. I spent two weeks in utter heartbreak over a loss that felt earth-shattering. The inability to become a mother left me in dark despair and serious reflection. Thankfully, I met with several doctors and sought a second opinion to learn that it was in fact not the correct diagnosis (cue tears of relief and happiness!!).

The days leading up to that fateful second opinion appointment were filled with serious reflection. I felt like such a failure in my own body thinking it would not allow me to do the one thing that I envisioned was my destiny. The one thing my heart, mind, body, and soul have always craved. I want to be a mom more than anything. I want to be exhausted and so full of love for a little one. I want to bring a Jewish soul into this world. I want to worry and care for one. I want to laugh and watch my little, grow into themselves. Over the past few years, I accepted that I would simply be an older parent while seeking a partner I wanted to take on life with. My viewpoint on this has now shifted and I know in my heart, I am going to be a mother, and an incredible one at that! I never once thought I’d willingly want to do it as a single mom. I don’t like that phrase because I won’t be single, alone, nor solitary. I have a whole village full of family and family by choice. I want to embrace motherhood, not have it feel like I’m all alone in it. And I hate that society has made infertility a nearly silent or whispered battle for women and couples seeking parenthood. I’m not going to do this alone, nor alone in silence.

Two things surprised me once I began this journey. The first is how much fertility is in daily life and how F*ing hard it is to be surrounded by it. It is in nearly every book I pick up. It is in every errand I run and every time I open social media. There is a constant reminder when watching my friends and family be the most incredible parents to their littles. A tiny piece of my heart breaks in each of these moments and I’ve caught myself needing to step back.

On the other hand, in my own personal darkness, there is oh so much light. I feel the warmth from every friend that has extended their love and support for me. My family has offered unwavering support. My incredible parents have been pillars of love and encouragement. And I feel an outpouring of love from my local “parents” who have acted as extensions of my own that are just a little too far to be physically near as I go through this. 

My wish is for science to bring a miracle to start my own little family and for every heart that yearns for one.

My odds are slim, marginal at best. But I plan to bet on it, put all my eggs in one basket (or uterus!). 

This is a multi-step and expensive process, each one relying on the success of the previous. First, I need to retrieve every viable egg I may have left. I need to select a sperm donor. Finally, I’ll need to undergo IVF and pray my body accepts the embryo. I need science, prayers, and financial assistance (More on this to come in due time). 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for reading all the way through this. Thank you for being a part of my village. Thank you for the support you’ll offer as time moves forward on my difficult and exciting journey. Here’s to taking action and beginning to make my dream a reality!

With immense gratitude (and a box of kleenex),

Renee